Being Honest: Just "one of those weeks": revised

This past week was kind of "one of those weeks". There was nothing bad happening, nothing too major going on, no real reason to feel "blah" but I just did. I guess I could blame it on the COLD weather and no indoor heat, the 14 hours a day of no power, living in a 3rd world country, having to struggle with speaking another language most of the time, not having any diesel in our car for about a month due to an ongoing fuel shortage here, having a shortage of cooking gas in the city, etc. but really those things are just things...and if I am honest, yes maybe they frustrate me, stress me out and make living here more difficult BUT they aren't the real reason I had "one of those weeks". The real reason I had "one of those weeks" was because I was very focused on ME. To be honest, last week my mind was consumed with thoughts about how my life here is so much more difficult than it would be in America, "poor me" thoughts, thoughts about how much I had to do and thoughts about how much energy I DID NOT HAVE to do them, thoughts about how I couldn't possibly do everything right and well and accomplish the things that I have set out to do, thoughts about how I could and should be a better mom, better wife, thinner, how I could eat better, exercise more, spend more time studying the Bible, etc. etc. Basically I was looking at myself, feeling sorry for myself, relying on my own strength and being selfish. I was comparing myself to those around me and letting the fact that some of my friends are prettier, thinner, more creative, more "successful", more...more...more...get to me and make me look at myself and think that I had fallen short. I thought things like, "if only I was more like so and so....I wouldn't be having "one of those weeks". I also spent a lot of time thinking about Target and Wal-mart and good, quick and convenient restaurants and the nice roads in America, comfortable cars and the warm houses and my family and friends in America and I had thoughts like, "If only I could go shopping, eat good food, see the people I love, not have to work so hard to cook a good meal, etc...etc..I wouldn't be having "one of those weeks". Of course getting to go shopping, or go for a road trip or see my family and friends who I miss so much would have helped me to feel better and would have been AMAZING but if I am honest, it wouldn't mean that I would never have "one of those weeks" (you all who live in America know this very well...).


So, when did the realization come you might ask? When did I finally realize why I was having "one of those weeks" and what I needed to do to change it? YESTERDAY! Yesterday was the day that I realized that I was focused on ME and I was being selfish....too selfish to see and be thankful for the amazing ways that God is continually working in my life, too selfish to marvel in how blessed I truly am to have a beautiful, healthy, loving family both here in Nepal and in America, too selfish to look with amazement at all of the things the Lord is allowing us to be a part of here in Nepal for His glory, too selfish to see how truly comfortably I live in a country where many, many people are sleeping outside in the freezing cold with no blankets or food or even enough gas to cook their next meal, too selfish to be thankful for my health and the fact that I am married to my best friend, etc. etc. This realization didn't come easily or expectantly. Ryan and I had sat down to have our "family worship time" on Sunday where we spend time praying together and listening to a sermon from our pastor J.D Greear at The Summit Church. I was having a bad attitude and finally Ryan and I stopped to talk about it. We had a good conversation and then we listened to a great sermon but it still wasn't then that I realized why I was having "one of those weeks". When the sermon was finished we got together to spend some time in prayer together. First Ryan prayed and then I began praying and crying and confessing. What came out of my mouth was not what I was planning to say...it was as if God was interceding for me:

Romans 8:26-27, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God."

I thanked God that He allows me to live in a difficult place with difficult circumstances (crazy...I know!) so I am more easily able to face the sin and idols in my life. I know myself well enough to know that if I lived in a more comfortable place with more things and people to satisfy the longings in my heart (even temporarily) it would be harder to see and realize my need for Him. I never want to live for a minute without Him as the center of my life and even though it is difficult, it is sometimes easier to see my need for Him when everything else is stripped away. I told God how sorry I was that I was so focused on myself and I asked Him to be my focus. I told Him how much I love Him and how thankful I am for all He has done in my life. I asked Him to give me the strength I need because I certainly can't do it on my own. God changed my heart in that instant and I went into the prayer not even really knowing how to fix it but very thankful that He did!

No matter what country we live in, what situation we are facing, how many children we have or don't have, how many responsibilities we have or don't have, how much money is in our bank account, whether we have all we want or always want more, we have a daily (sometimes minute by minute) choice to make. We must decide if we are going to focus on ourselves and our circumstances, if we are going to look to things or people to satisfy us OR if we are going to look to God and ABIDE in Him to satisfy the longings of our heart and give us true peace and joy.

Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

John 15:9-11 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.  If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"

So, yesterday afternoon I made the choice to ABIDE and today I woke up again and made the choice to ABIDE and then again at like 10:43 am when my house was full of kids and lots of noise and chaos I chose to ABIDE. To ask the Lord for His strength, guidance, focus, wisdom and direction. To tell Him that nothing is more valuable to me than He is. To tell Him that I like it much better when the focus is on Him and all He has done, can do and will do and not on myself. And in a minute I will need to do it again and then tomorrow morning I will wake up and do it again. It is a choice and we have to choose to act, to choose to change, to choose to let go and allow God to take control of our lives. It isn't always easy and it is often scary but there truly is no better place in the world to be and no better choice we can make. I know that there will come another time, probably sooner than later, that I will be having "one of those days" or "one of those weeks" and in that moment and in those days I need to remember to stop focusing on myself and my circumstances and comparing myself to those around me and start focusing again on God and who He is and who He says I am.

We have an enemy and He wants nothing more than for us to get wrapped up in the life we see around us instead of keeping our eyes focused on the One who is in control of it all. So my prayer for me and for you is that we would make sure we are focused on the One who can turn "one of those weeks" into something that He is able to use in and through us for His glory.

Cross references:

1. John 15:9 : See John 5:20
2. John 15:9 : See John 13:34
3. John 15:10 : [John 14:15, 23]
4. John 15:10 : John 8:55; 17:4; Phil. 2:8
5. John 15:10 : See John 10:18
6. John 15:11 : [2 Cor. 2:3]
7. John 15:11 : John 3:29; 16:24; 17:13; 1 John 1:4; 2 John 12

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What a privilege it is to be used here in Nepal so that sweet people like this will hear about the source of true hope, peace and joy! God is so very good! May I always keep my eyes focused on Him.